Charming friends,

By popular demand! We often get asked to clarify points of etiquette to do with this, the most happy stressful challenging socially tricky time of the year.

So here are a few points of holiday etiquette, and ways to avoid the awkwardness and get on with having a nice time.

Scenario one: the unexpected gift

Is there anything more awkward? Somebody you barely know - or have had a tricky relationship with - or thought would simply not - has just proudly presented you with a Christmas gift - and you have not planned to do the same.

As much as we say 'gifts are from the heart', there is an implied social contract that goes along with gift giving and receiving. Being on the receiving end of an unexpected gift is horrible, being on the giving end and realising the other person is embarrassed is awful. What can you do?

Honesty is seriously the best policy here. Simply say 'Oops! Didn't realise we were doing gifts. But how thoughtful of you.' Accept the gift, express the right amount of pleasure, and change the subject. Don't labour it. If you then wish to return the gifting, you can do so another day, saying 'I was so touched by your thoughtful gift and thought I'd like to give you a little something too.'

If you are planning a gift for somebody but don't know if it might turn into one of those situations, do mention it in advance. Speak directly to the person, or to a mutual friend who can be trusted. You can say 'I was thinking of bringing you/[insert name] a gift, would that be appropriate?' Make sure there is plenty of time for the other person to do a mad last-minute shop!

Scenario two: the unexpected arrival

You are about to serve that five-course celebratory meal you have been labouring over for days. Your guests are seated at the table, wearing their funny hats and looking forward to the feast. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. There, standing cheerfully on the doorstep, are five or six other friends, their arms laden with champagne and presents. 'We just thought we'd drop in!' they exclaim cheerfully. The only problem is - they were not invited to partake of that carefully constructed meal that is slowly cooling. And you didn't do enough to share! What on earth can you do?

To be honest, we are not fans of unexpected visits at the best of times - and busy holidays are not the best of times. It doesn't take a moment to phone or text first and check to make sure you aren't interrupting somebody. So if the thought strikes you to 'just pop in' - please, do the polite thing and make contact first. And be prepared for the answer to be no!

If you do receive unexpected guests, also remember that 'no' is not rude. If the timing is bad - or you just aren't in that frame of mind - it is perfectly okay to say 'Now's not a great time - so let's catch up later'. It can help to ease things a bit of you are able or willing to make a new time to catch up, but it isn't always possible. Simply be truthfully polite. And yes, you can tell the person that you have another event on to which they were not invited - no need to labour it, but you certainly can say 'Sorry, just about to serve up a dinner party. Shall we get together Tuesday?' There is no requirement to invite people in to share a meal to which they were not expected.

With this situation, as with so many others, polite honesty is the safest policy.

Scenario three: the inevitable comment

Dear Uncle Joe, who you only ever see twice a year, greets you at the door. 'Hello!' he says jovially. 'Put on a bit of weight, I see. Too much Christmas pud?'

Let me be absolutely blunt about this: it is NEVER appropriate to comment on another person's body or lifestyle choices unless invited to do so by the person themselves. No, not even if you intended it as a compliment. Another person's body is frankly not a polite topic for a casual (or not-so-casual) comment. 'You've lost weight!' can be just as painful as 'Hitting the old shortbread again eh?' and just as inappropriate. One day, if you persist, you will receive an answer that embarrasses you (example: 'Yes, I suppose have lost a lot of weight. That must be the chemo. Glad you think my cancer has improved my appearance.')

If you do wish to compliment a person's appearance, consider saying something nice and TRUE about their clothes, their hairstyle or simply use the oldie-but-goodie 'you look great'. The answer may still surprise you but you have not commented directly on something that is out of the other person's control - or is not your business. And always remember that a simple, heartfelt 'It's great to see you!' is one of the nicest things a person can hear about themselves.

And on a special occasion, it is really not the right time to challenge somebody about their lifestyle choices, not matter how strong your opinions are. If you don't like that cousin Amy uses recreational drugs, you can ask her to let you share your concerns in private some other time (but don't be surprised if she says no - in spite of your concerns, this is a matter for her to deal with. Although you can certainly offer loving concern and support, you can't force them onto a person.) On a special occasion, you simply cannot expect to get away with forcing your own opinions onto somebody else. It will just upset and embarrass everybody concerned.

What do you do if you are the recipient of one of these massive clangers?

If you are expecting to see Dear Uncle Joe and you just know he's going to deliver one of his special comments, it helps to have a blandly dismissive comment ready to go. To the 'You've gained weight' clanger, for example, a handy response is 'I wouldn't know, Uncle. Still playing golf?' or even a blunt 'Please don't.' Changing the subject or leaving the vicinity can be a useful way to keep maintenance-level civility happening.

Of course, it is perfectly within your rights to challenge a comment that offends you. However there are ways and means. Try not to turn it into an insult-fest ('Yeah? Well you'd know all about too much shortbread, Uncle Joe!') or else your day and everybody else's will probably end up ruined. Being cooly honest is a good idea ('When you say things like that I feel quite offended, Uncle Joe. I wish you wouldn't' or 'I'm quite happy with my appearance, Uncle Joe. I'm not interested in discussing it with you. I'd rather we all enjoy a nice Christmas day.')

It is also reasonable, if you are really worried about the likely comments, to set clear boundaries with your family in advance of the day. A phone call or email calmly stating your case ('I won't be discussing my divorce on Christmas Day, I just want to spend a nice day with you all') can do wonders. Or, at the time, you can say politely 'I don't want to go into this please. So, are you taking a holiday this year?'

Remember that you do get a say in things. There is no need to apologise or compromise if this is very meaningful to you. And if you really know that nothing you do wll prevent the comments that will upset you, why not organise something different for yourself? If people can't bring themselves to stop hassling about your change of religion, they will just have to cope when you decide to spend Christmas Day at a health spa instead.

Scenario four: the evil gift

Getting a strange gift is often more funny than distressting, to be honest. Most of us have at least one friend or relative who just can't get the hang of gifting. It can be dreadfully funny to receive something completely bizarre from that loving relative who just can never think of what to get for people. Sometimes these presents can become firm favourites. I know several people who absolutely treasure really ugly garden gnomes (but have no garden) or irritating singing Christmas ornaments, just because they came from the beloved Auntie who gives the strange presents but who is so loving and sweet.

On the other hand, I also know somebody with a serious eating disorder who received a pair of knickers four sizes too big for them. I know somebody who gave a recovering alcoholic a case of whiskey. I know somebody who gave a membership to Weight Watchers to a person who was, until that moment, perfectly happy with their body. Presents are supposed to amuse and delight but they are occasionally used as weapons. What to do when you unwrap something and think 'Oh no. Oh, please, no no no'?

For starters, most of the time the correct response is to demonstrate some level of gratitude (yes, fake it if necessary), thank the person, put the horrible gift aside and get on with your day. Gifting is challenging and it is not always possible to get something perfect. You will at some stage receive a gift you don't like but that's your problem, not the problem of the person who, after all, put some level of thought into getting something especially for you.

Actually, even if you suspect they just grabbed any old thing and flung it into a wrapper, not caring less if you live or die, you probably should still make an effort to say thank you. Unless it is openly an act of aggression towards you, you don't get to be openly ungrateful. There is no skin off your nose just saying 'Oh wow, a freebie promotional keyring - that will be most useful, thank you very much.' Move on, move on, remember that gifts are not rights!

What if you do get one of those shockers that probably is some sort of deliberate attempt to hurt you or sabotage your self-esteem?

Christmas Day sitting around the tree with family is a bad time to yell 'You never loved me! I knew it!' and storm out. It may be quite true - but your emotion will only bring other people down with you. So try to control your feelings. Stop, blink back the tears, breathe deeply and think: one day. Just one day. Juuuuust one day. This might be a good time for another sip of hot chocolate or port.

Then you might be called upon to react - and chances are your tormentor is watching you carefully, hoping for a big, stressed reaction. Let's not give them the satisfaction. But you don't have to entirely abandon the truth. Calmcalmcalmcalm honesty is, as usual, a good option - as is offering a positive option for alternative uses of the gift. (A positive option. We know what you'd like to do with the gift, but offering to give it to somebody else is, believe me, a far better option.) Examples:

'Oh gosh, whiskey. Of course, I'm not drinking any more so I'll give this to [favoured charity or beloved uncle] - they'll really appreciate it. Thank you for the thought.'

'A Weight Watchers membership! Oh what a shame, I won't be able to use it. Perhaps somebody else would like it? Thanks for the thought.'

'Cute knickers. Oops, they aren't my size. Would you prefer me to swap them using the receipt? Or I might know somebody else who will love them. Thanks for the thought.'

'Thanks for the thought' of course, is a nice way of saying 'I know what you meant by giving me this, but I choose not to take that particular message on board.' Handy little phrase isn't it?

By the way, as tempting as it is to enter into the Evil Gifts Escalating Contest and try and give the offending person something even worse - better not to. These things never end well for anybody. Just keep getting the offending person pleasant, simple, emotionally safe gifts such as scented soaps or nice candles or handkerchiefs. Eventually they may get the idea and if not, at least you have nothing to be ashamed of.

'Keep calm and carry on'

There are very few scenarios that can't be deal with gracefully, even if you aren't expecting them. Just keep in mind the following Rules of Engagement.

• Remember: it's only one day.
• Polite, honest answers are the best starting point.
• Express opinions politely and don't expect others to agree with everything.
• Bodies and lifestyle choices are not acceptable points for comment. You're allowed to say so.
• Give fair warning.
• Plan ahead if you know what to expect.
• Set boundaries. Reasonable ones. And stick to them.
• Respect other people's boundaries.
• Breathe, smile and move on.
• Remember the useful phrases: 'now's not a good time for that', 'I don't want to discuss that today', 'Thanks for the thought'.
• Don't ruin everybody's day, if worse comes to worst remove yourself from the situation.

We wish you a safe and happy holiday - and let's hope the awkward scenarios are kept to a minimum! And if you have a question, advice or a good story, don't hesitate to email us.

Yours charmingly,

Blososm Darling