Charming Friends,

Good manners are eternally charming ... however as times change, so do our ideas of what constitutes desirable etiquette. Long gone are the days when a gentleman would be expected to lay down his coat to allow a lady to avoid a puddle (if indeed such a thing was ever true) - and a very good thing too, as it would be such a pity to ruin a lovely coat in that manner.

These days, what we think of as good manners are less dependent on gender relations, and more dependent on acknowledging equality and the rights of others. Our society, thankfully, is a diverse one, and it is appropriate for us all to recognise the value of diversity and the need to recognise and address inequalities.

One thing never changes with good manners, however: manners are the means by which our society trundles along smoothly, keeping conflict to a minimum. Regardless of what some people may think, the logic behind a moment of politeness is less important than the respect the act implies. In other words, there may not be any particular logic behind giving up your seat on the bus so that a couple can sit together (after all, they are no less able to stand than you are), but the respect for other people that is implied by this valiant act benefits not just the couple, but yourself and everybody else around you.

By the same token, an act of 'politeness' that does NOT come from a place of respect, is not politeness at all, It is another form of rudeness and should be treated as such. For example, a man firmly insisting on carrying a lady's groceries simply because she is 'a lady' and therefore 'weak' is not charming or polite: it is embarrassing, can be very intimidating, and is frankly just rudeness. (Offering to help is fine if there seems to be a reason, e.g. if your friend is clearly struggling with an awkward load, but being rebuffed is reason enough to simply smile and leave it alone.)

Recently we have been asked by a number of people if we think that politeness is in crisis in our society. Oh, how we wish we could say no! Sadly, it does seem to be the case that good manners are being thrust aside too often. What could be behind this? We don't for a moment believe that people are less lovely than in yore: it is clear that individual humans are still the enchanting creatures they have always been.

The problem might lie in rapidly-changing society, the informality of communication offered by the Interwebs, and perhaps simply that we are not being taught enough manners. Perhaps, too, the trick is just to recall why good manners are so important. After all, they benefit the polite person just as much as the recipient of the politeness.

Anyway - onto the fun part! We are often asked for examples of relatively modern manners: here are several that the Darlings have identified.

1. Polite people don't comment on other people's figures.

Ever! One might think this is a 'no-brainer' as our US friends would put it: however we have seen SO many examples of this little habit being employed ... and backfiring badly. 

The old 'health' thing is usually evoked as a defence for commenting on a person's figure. This is patently ridiculous. There is no way to determine a person's state of health by looking at how fat or thin they may be - and furthermore, a person's state of health is for them to advise you of - not for you to go about guessing. Even saying 'you look healthy' is rather risky and impolite (see below).

Even burbling 'Oh you've lost weight!' is very poor manners these days. Oh, yes it is! You may think you're being positive and supportive but frankly, you are not. This phrase is loaded with meaning: not much of it good. Even if the person has been labouring hard to lose weight and is delighted with themselves, that simple phrase coming from you implies 'You look better now than you did when you were fatter.' And should you meet that person again and they have regained weight ... what do you think will be going through their minds? Do you think they will be happy to see you?

One test of bad manners is how it can backfire on you. Some very bad backfires (and yes, these are all real examples) we have encountered include:

You look great - you've lost weight!
Yes, chemotherapy will do that to a person.

Look at your tummy - are you pregnant?
Not any more, I had a miscarriage yesterday.

You look really healthy - so slim!
Really? That must be my makeup, because it's sure not my eating disorder making me look healthy.

Been hitting the old beer a bit heavily lately, have you? (Significant look at stomach.)
No, that'll be the medication I'm on for my Bipolar Disorder.

You look great now you've lost that weight.
Oookay. So I looked bad before? Thanks for that, good to know how you've always felt.

Have we convinced you yet? Another person's figure or weight are not your business. There is no polite way to comment, so if you want to compliment somebody, compliment them on something they are in control of, such as their clothing or smile. The phrase 'You look lovely - but then you always do!' will never go down badly. And funnily enough, it's generally true!

2. A polite person respects another person's privacy.

These days, this is becoming more and more important. We have all heard dreadful stories of identity theft, embarrassment and even loss of friendships, relationships and employment as the result of failed privacy. In our electronic age there are so many ways in which we can be hurt. It behoves us to take care of each other.

Some ways in which we can do this:

• Be aware of private versus public conversation. I work in a public building and often overhear loud conversations that simply must humiliate the unfortunate person being talked about. You may be happy to tease a friend about their embarrassing ailment or that awkward social moment, but if other people can overhear you, you are doing your friend a major disservice, and you may even cause them real harm. Especially if you address them by name! Remember that you have a 'public voice' and a 'private voice' and use them appropriately.
• Remember that social networking is public networking. You might think this is obvious, but publishing photos, phone numbers, addresses and other contact details, or commenting on private things even in jest is not appropriate and can be outright dangerous. Yes, even putting up those photos from that crayzee party may harm your friend. Get their permission before you publish those pics, and please always respect your friends when you Facebook, Tweet or whatever.
• Value your friends' rights to anonymity. These days, particularly online, many of us choose to use nicknames and assume anonymous personas. This is usually done for good reasons, so do have the decency to respect other people's rights to maintain their pseudonyms. Cockily calling somebody by their real name on Facebook is rude and risky: you may not know who or what they are avoiding by using a pseudonym.

3. Polite people do not concentrate solely on Number One.

Another 'no-brainer'! However this seems to be the root of much unpleasantness in today's society.

Part of having social elegance is knowing when to sublimate one's own desires: yes, even one's own rights, in favour of others'. We all have rights but some people are more privileged than others. If you have ever faced discrimmination based on your age, race, gender, culture, abilities, religion, or lifestyle - you will know exactly what I am saying here. If everybody goes around claiming each and evry right and privilege, the fact is that this would be a very very unfair and unhappy world. And ignoring other people at one's own expense may seem innocent enough, but that sort of behavour practiced for long enough can lead to some very very ugly things. Some very, very, very ugly things ...

A balanced world is one in which we all look after each other's rights. This is a world in which more people can live more happily and freely. It doesn't come naturally. We have to work at it.

So yes, you may have the right to a seat on the bus, based on the fact that you paid full price for it, but if you can offer it to somebody who needs it more, you are bringing the world back into balance.

You don't have to stop to help somebody with a flat tyre. But if you do, sure you lose some time and get a bit of grease on your clothes, but you may just have saved somebody else from injury or danger.

There are no rules saying that you have to thank somebody for something - for example the person who serves you at the supermarket. After all, aren't they being paid for it? But if you do, you are making it clear that you value that person's role in society. It has cost you nothing to smile and thank them - but your efforts are appreciated. It's a small thing to do, to maintain a welcoming world in which people show each other respect.

And the fact is, one day it will be you looking for that respect. One day it may be you waiting helplessly by the road with a broken-down car as other people rush past you and it grows darker and darker. It may be you, years hence, painfully trying to maintain your balance on the bus while a younger fitter person sits next to you, uncaring. And it may be you who has worked hard all day and not received a single acknowledgement of your efforts.

If you read any books on animal behaviour it soon becomes apparent that every species that lives in groups has behaviour that involves sublimating the personal in preference to the group. This applies to us as much as to any other species. We won't be getting very far if every decision involves me, me, meeeee. So before thinking 'But this is MINE! I have the RIGHT to this!' spare a thought for others who may not be lucky enough to have that choice. You will still have the rights to it tomorrow, but will they? Just that one little decision to put your own needs aside for somebody else can have far-reaching effects, and benefit you again in the longer term.

As always, it would be wonderful to hear from you! Do you have examples of good/bad modern manners? Let us know at thedarlingsisters@live.com.

Yours charmingly,
Blossom Darling